i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
