Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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