So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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