When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm at about main and main street
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
