hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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