Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
