Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My life is pants optional.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
