How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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