At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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