you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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