So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
