I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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