I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Randomize
