I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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