The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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