after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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