dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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