my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
