If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
