jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
