My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
