I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
A bitchslap is in order.
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