Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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