wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
