Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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