if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
