You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
