I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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