I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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