The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
