dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
