o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
