My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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