you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
