He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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