i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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