If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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