I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
