No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
