you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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