I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
