My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
