i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
