I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm passing your future prison.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
