had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
