i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
