My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
