I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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