did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
