Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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