I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
