First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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