First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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