So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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