I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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