Will you blow on my dice?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
