I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
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A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize